No Baby For Me….

I have to say this might be a difficult post for me for many reasons but I know it’s on the mind of any people in the same situation….

To start off: I am so very, very grateful for the two beautiful kiddos that I have – Mileigh Ann and Conor! They made me a Mommy and that’s all I could ask for, for a long time. At this point in time I’ve had 6 miscarriages…yes, six. Most of them may have been early, the pregnancies may not have been at the right times BUT it’s never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER easy.

I first got pregnant at the early age of 19 but boy was I excited because I just recently got engaged to my “first boyfriend/love.” After 14 very long weeks pregnant, I miscarried and needed a D&C. I was devastated and it didn’t take long for me to get pregnant again (4 months to be exact) and miscarried at 8 weeks pregnant. I had another one (about 6 months later) at 6 weeks pregnant. Full disclosure: I finally got married to my then husband – we both were very immature and didn’t take care of ourselves. We both drank heavily (when I wasn’t pregnant) but he was always drinking and doing drunks – obviously with the miscarriages I became stressed and none of this helped with the pregnancies.

I had Mileigh Ann (she is now 6 1/2) and finally made me grow up. I had another miscarriage about a year later (I was 11 weeks pregnant). Then about a year later I had my baby boy Conor (he is now 4 1/2). I decided it was finally time to end things with my (now ex) husband. He was both verbally and physically abusive and I didn’t want my babies growing up in that – even though he never hurt them, it was always directed towards me and I didn’t want that to escalate.

I always kept in touch with one of my best friends, Spencer, from high school, but made sure to reach out that much more when he started going through his divorce. We both started to lean on each other through that time and ended up sparking an interest in each other. Next thing I know, I moved to NOVA (Northern Virginia) to make a better life for me and my kids and to see what was next for Spencer and me. I ended up having a miscarriage about a year into our relationship – but I was on the Mirena (a type of birth control) and somehow got pregnant and miscarried all within 4-5 weeks. Obviously it made us both very sad but we were not trying nor were we ready to start a new life.

Finally after 3 1/2 years of dating we got married, with more than enough family and friends present. We decided very early on that we wanted to get pregnant fairly quickly so the kids were somewhat close in age and so we weren’t 60 years old with middle schoolers lol. It was exactly 6 months after we said our “I do’s” that we started trying to conceive. Haha it didn’t take long, as we were pregnant within the same month that I had the Mirena removed. We obviously wanted to wait to announce but with early complications and a close family, we told all family that we saw on a regular basis. In the matter of a few more days, I miscarried at 7 weeks – having my 6th miscarriage.

Now with the whole Cancer thing – I was told I needed surgery and Radioactive Iodine Therapy, which will all set me back a few years. Depends on the day and who you ask, but my Endo said anywhere from 2-4 years break from conceiving. I know to most people that doesn’t sound like a big deal – especially when you are thinking of surgeries and treatments that need to be done for cancer, but it’s a big deal to me and my husband and our family. For the first time in our lives, we were ready to expand. We were taking that leap. And it’s not fair. Yes I know I should be, and I WANT to be, healthy for our family, both current and future. But that’s no one else’s business…I know that we still have a great chance of getting pregnant again (even after RAI) but it doesn’t make it any easier now. The doctors don’t realize that when they talk to you.

My Endo tried to compare her “being a doctor and unable to take extended time away from work to me having to wait 3-4 years to try again – PLUS I have two kids already?!?!” Are you kidding me???? Once again, none of your business that they came from a previous marriage and we aren’t done at 2.

I just wish doctors had to be directly impacted before they are able to specialize in one thing in particular – or maybe they have been but don’t necessarily sympathize. This isn’t mine or my husband’s fault. There are days that I feel at fault because he has waited so long for this day to happen but then I do understand that there is nothing I can do to change this. Just when I think I’ve “mourned” the loss of an opportunity to have another baby at the moment, I have another moment. Another baby shower comes up. My period shows it’s self again. Or just a rough day – it happens. And it’s ok to have these days – as long as we get back up the next day and push for another healthy day – another day closer to having that opportunity.

To all of you going through the same thing, I truly sympathize. I understand. And I pray that it happens when you are ready – sooner, rather than later!