Depression during RAI

Needed to take a quick detour from my Part 1/Part 2 blog to fill you in on a matter that I feel is something that is important and is something that just about anyone might go through in these circumstances.

Depression. The word seems so silly when we are only talking about 7 days worth of isolation. I know I’ve said before that many people have mentioned before that I should look at this as a mini vacation from any responsibilities or kid duties. But to me, and I don’t want to speak to everyone, but I feel like as a Mom – this is way harder than the recovery for my surgery because I could hug my babies and spend time with my family.

The first day home in isolation wasn’t so bad because I saw everyone briefly, hear stories from my kiddos, and I slept horribly in the hospital so I came home and caught up on my sleep. The second day was a little harder because the kiddos had another snow day and they were all wound up downstairs playing with my Hubby, my Mom, and my brother. By the 3rd day, I started to try to straighten my room up and took two showers, even took a bubble bath – tried to listen to my book on tape that I’ve been dying to listen to that I’m never able to because the kids are so loud in the van. But I was so distracted…thinking that my Mom is finally in town and I can’t sit downstairs with her and my kiddos keep popping their head in the room just to say “I love you!” when all I want to do is pull them in the bed and snuggle with them. I want nothing more than to have my Hubby sleep in the same bed again and give me a hug and kiss and say everything is going to be ok. And even though I find it quite amusing when my little brother jumps away from me, screaming “RADIATION!!” every time I come downstairs to fill up my water bottle, I would love to sit down with the adults once the kids are asleep and actually watch a movie.

I know this all seems pretty petty but the last few days seem to drag on forever when you are trapped in a room with nothing to do but watch TV or movies when you constantly fall asleep. Or attempt to read a book when you can’t seem to concentrate. And then we get to the diet – I can FINALLY eat normal food again. I’m not sure if my stomach is still upset from the RAI or if its from trying to eat normal food 2 days in a row but ever since I haven’t been able to eat. So throw in an upset stomach in the mix and all you want to do is sleep. I think I slept a total of 18 hours yesterday. I know my body is actually drained for all the work it’s trying to do – I mean, come on…it is trying to kill cancer. That is pretty hardcore stuff! But I wanted to do nothing but sleep or cry or stare out the window. I know all of which are signs of depression. And I wanted to do nothing about it. My phone went off a few times when I was sleeping and I didn’t pick up the phone to call any of those people back. This makes me even more sad because I am not this person.

I heard my kiddos climbing in bed at night but they decided to come be silly and show off outside my door to make Mommy smile first. Then they heard Daddy yell up the stairs “Y’all better be in bed by the time I get upstairs!!!” Haha I’ve never seen them run so fast to bed as they both yelled “I love you” and blew kisses to me. After about 10 minutes I was upset with my Hubby because I wanted nothing more than to go in and tuck them in myself. On any normal night this would not have upset me like this but I went downstairs and asked why it was taking him so long to tuck them in. He looked at me shocked as I had tears running down my face. I went back up and got in my bed so after he said goodnight to the kids he knew how upset I was and came to talk to me. I cried myself to sleep. I knew there was nothing he did wrong – it was all a part of the process.

I wanted to write this post because I wanted people who are going through RAI to know that it’s ok to feel this way and that it will get better. I slept horribly last night but I decided I wasn’t going to spend the entire day in the bed. I got up and took a shower and wrote this post. I’m going to attempt to eat breakfast then I’m going to see if someone will take the kiddos to the playground down the street so I can get outside and watch them have fun. (Before anyone freaks out – I will make sure to keep my distance from anyone to ensure I will not expose anyone). I might still feel bad this afternoon when I have to come back to my “dungeon” but that’s ok. I only have a couple more days of this before I can *fingers cross* have all this behind me.

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